Love is the flower you’ve got to let grow– John Lennon

Early on when I started this self-dating adventure, I decided at one point that I wanted to send myself flowers, and in dreaming big, I wanted to be surprised to some extent when I received them. I hoped that in ordering them in advance, I would forget not only what I had ordered and possibly even when they would be delivered. At some point, I did order myself flowers to be delivered and I was delighted that when they were delivered, I had completely forgotten what I had ordered.

Flowers delight me, but I don’t often indulge in buying them for myself. As I write this post this evening, I am taken back to times in my life when flowers have been such a source of joy, and surprise. One of my past partners loved giving me flowers and loved it so much that he committed himself to providing flowers to me every month, and he did that from the beginning of our story until about 4 months before the end. Sometimes the flowers were fulsome bouquets filled with vibrant pinks and purples and leafy greens. Once the flower was a stained glass iris, with shades of rich purple glass and muted greens and it hung on the wall of our bedroom until after he moved out and then I took it down and smashed it against the patio stones in my backyard. That was a bad decision because I spent months finding shards of glass with my bare feet every time I walked outside and onto the patio.

I remembered the time that my biggest crush sent me flowers. She is married to the most lovely woman, and I still crush on her knowing that we will never cross that boundary with each other. She is a dear friend and a trusted colleague. One year when I learned that I had been successful in being offered a significant job that I really wanted, she sent me a bouquet of flowers, of roses pink and white and something else of a delicate shade of mauve. They arrived at my office with no note on them. For days I had no idea who had sent them to me, but I kept them on my office desk and they greeted me every morning with a silent acknowledgment that somebody had been thinking of me. One day she called to wish me congratulations on my new gig and asked me if I liked the flowers. She told me that she had sent them because I was someone who deserved to have flowers sent to me. Funny, I had forgotten all about that until I started writing tonight.

So, flowers are a date of sorts and are a kind of gift that has come to mean a whole variety of things in the gift giving realm. I wanted the surprise of flowers… I had not totally forgotten when they would be delivered, but in a fluke of not really paying attention to dates, I had ordered them to be delivered on the Friday before Mother’s Day. This ended up being a lovely treat for me, because while I am a mother, as a single mother I regularly downplayed any attention on Mother’s Day while my daughter was growing up. Her father did not assist her with planning anything for me for mother’s day when my daughter was younger and she would feel upset on the day of Mother’s day that she did not have a gift or anything special for me. I would tell her that the only thing I needed from her was a big hug and anything else was not required because her hugs were the only thing that mattered. As a result, celebrating Mother’s Day has always been low key and I just made myself okay with that.

Perhaps on a subconscious level, I knew that the weekend was Mother’s Day, but it was not front of mind when I ordered the flowers. I was delighted with the flowers when they arrived and even more so when I saw the note that I had included for myself – “I love you more and more each day. Me” What was really interesting to me is that the order somehow was doubled and I received a duplicate order of flowers. I was only charged once, so I am not sure how it got into the system twice. So, a double bouquet of rich vibrant spring flowers!

I am on this journey of deepening this love for myself and exploring what my needs and interests are, and how I want to spend my time. I am learning what activities really engage and inspire me. What things I might have ignored doing because they weren’t of interest to my past partners and now I am reminding myself of things that I enjoy doing, like art galleries and theatre.

And, so, I am sending myself flowers because I want flowers in my life. Perhaps this time I will order them a little further out or maybe ask my daughter to order them and pick a date so that I can be well and truly surprised.

Flower delivery – $78

Rating – 10/10